A Do Over

I’m a member of my church’s staff and have led or been part of ten small groups the past seven years. Some were women’s groups and some were couples’ groups. For one reason or another, they never lasted. Either they fell apart or something changed in my life and I’d leave the group – that is except for the last group I lead. I intentionally killed the group because too many boundaries were crossed.

The women’s small group was made up of Christian women and women checking out Christianity. I was excited at the opportunity to be part of a group with a diverse mix of women. But from the first time we met, two long-time Christian women took up every ounce of social time complaining about husbands, kids and neighbors – you name it they complained about it. When the time came to begin the study, they stopped complaining and talking. By that time nobody talked. This left me to ask and answer questions and share my personal stories. In my mind it wasn’t a small group if we didn’t have a discussion and share our lives. This went on week after week after week.

Why was I surprised when, one Sunday, a husband of a group member asked me how I was handling a personal situation I’d shared with the group? I was horrified – how could she take what I’d shared and tell their spouse? So I did what any mature, small group leader would do. I complained about it to a fellow staff member and my husband who both encouraged me to talk to the woman whose husband approached me. Unfortunately, the result of my immaturity and lack of experience lead me to make some bad decisions.

I never talked to the group or the individual about the age old small group rule of “what’s said in the group stays in the group.” I felt so betrayed by the situation that I disbanded the group with no explanation other than “I was no longer able to lead on that night.” I said earlier that boundaries were crossed and that’s why the group died, but in reality, I never set boundaries in the first place.

I left that small group and vowed I’d never be part of a group again. Anyway, I had the church staff, they could be considered a small group, right? That was the way it was until September of 2006 when our staff realized that we were leaders asking our congregation to do what we weren’t doing ourselves. Several staff members hadn’t been in a small group in years. I was one of them.

Four years later, with a little more leadership experience and the “in your face” discussion about not being able to lead where you’ve not been yourself, I’m part of a small group with my husband and five other couples. This group, too, is made up of Christians and those still searching. However, one of the first discussions we had was about what each person wanted from the group and why they were in the group. Honesty, trust and a place to speak our minds topped the list. Up front we agreed that “what’s said in the group stays in the group!” The tone for our group was set. Everybody would get an opportunity to speak up and to know that what they said was for this group only.

I’ve learned from these experiences that as a leader, I have to lead. In my women’s group, by not establishing healthy boundaries and guiding discussions effectively, no one benefited from being part of the group. Spiritual growth didn’t happen, friendships weren’t formed and trust wasn’t cultivated.

By talking about boundaries first, my current group has been able to study and discuss everything from finances, to the book of Philippians, to what it means to be the church instead of going to church, and even the book of Genesis. During our Genesis study we all died laughing when we read a passage from The Message where it refers to sex as “sport.” One of the wives told her husband that if he didn’t do this, this and this there’d be no sport for him. What’s equally as great as the fun stuff we’ve shared is that one husband, who isn’t a Christian, motivates his wife to come to the group when she doesn’t feel like it and that the tough questions are being asked and discussed by everybody. My hope is that this is what it looks like for a small group to grow spiritually, develop friendships, deepen trust and have fun.

At times I’m still not sure if the group thing is for me, it takes time and commitment and I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility to “get it right” when I’m leading people spiritually. I admit, though, that I’m glad I was challenged by some of my fellow staff members to try it again.